“When you deep-dive into The Void, what you tend to find is actually a vast cavern filled with great ideas.
Tortured artists know this well - in fact, they're usually happy to keep themselves down in the darkness for the sake of their craft. Sometimes we can feel that the only beautiful part of us is our pain, which is why we cling on to it longer than we need to.
I wish I could let others know that there is so much more grace and magnetic magnificence to be found on the other side of whatever it is they are afraid of. Whatever they’re afraid to see, to feel, to accept and let go of.
There is no need for darkness in this world anymore - and light is continuously pouring in every single day. It doesn't often look like it, or feel like it, but that's why they say 'it's always darkest before the dawn.'
I say it's always darkest just before you open your eyes.
It takes time to adjust once the blinkers are open and the blinders are off - but when your tears are wiped away and you finally take a look, you'll see beauty everywhere.
Love sprinkled like fairy dust over every surface, and in every beating heart.”
~ Extract from my Morning Pages, written on 15th August 2023 whilst in Bucerias, Mexico ~
I’m in the void.
I think this as I stare up at a starry night sky, the moon beaming brilliantly, the trees are just black silhouettes swaying in a breeze I cannot see.
This is the void.
Black. Cold. Dark.
Beautiful.
So bloody beautiful I could cry.
I have always run from the void, cowering as I went in case I should slip and fall back into the clutches of my own shadows.
Every time I have fallen, I have done so with fear. Feeling a sinking despair in my stomach, an anxious drumming in my heart, that quickens desperately with every last ditch attempt to escape.
But wherever you go, there you are.
And everywhere I go, so am I.
Here I am, once again in the void space of infinity, overturning another stone just to see what shadows lie beneath.
Which is why I’m writing this blog post, or whatever it turns out to be - because this particular shadow is that of Not Being Seen.
Of not having anything I ever do, or create, or produce, be seen by anyone at all.
With every low view count I receive from publishing my art - whether that be views, comments or likes - my fire diminishes.
I tell myself I don’t mind. As if the four years I’ve poured into my Youtube Channel, Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook, don’t mean anything. Telling everyone who will listen about the snowball effect, and preaching about letting go of expectations. Trying to convince myself, more than anyone else, that it’s not about the views or likes, it’s about expressing my art whether anyone sees it or not.
But the video where I shared my most vulnerable trauma in the form of moving poetry, only received 20 views.
That hurt.
That hurt a lot.
But thanks to the almost 4 years of inner work and trauma release, I already know which core wound this is triggering - that of not being Enough.
Of my content not being good enough. Of not being slim enough, not being desirable enough, or successful enough, or kind enough, or resourceful enough. Of not being driven enough, or passionate enough, or revolutionary enough, or hard working enough. Of not being fun enough, or reliable enough, or
Enough.
I don’t believe I am enough, or that I have what it takes to become a successful online entrepreneur.
So my ego says, why bother?
Then I think to myself, ‘who says I’m doing any of this for people who are currently on earth?’
I listened to Alan Watts the other day, a man long dead still talking to us all from the grave - just one of the perks of the modern age. His talks change my perspective, my thoughts, my life every time I listen to one of his lectures.
Who says anyone needs to watch my content or like my posts whilst I’m alive?
What if the gift that I am here to give is not meant for this generation, because the world at large is not yet able to receive it? What if everything I am doing, creating, being, is only meant to make an impact once I’m dead and gone (if at all)?
Van Gough never knew his name would become synonymous with sunflowers.
For as long as the internet is around, my art lives on.
Every video I make, every song or poem I create, every post I publish and every blog post I write. It will all exist for far longer than I will.
Now if this isn’t the beauty of the void, then I don’t know what it is.
A complete acceptance of death, with an understanding that nothing ever truly dies.
And who cares what people think of my art when I’m dead?
Jo-jo, an inspiring post. Firstly, you are enough (I may be a tiny-weenie bit bias ;)), you've taken the step to show people that dark fears can be blown apart by facing and fighting through it fiercely. As you mentioned in your first blog here, there is a sea of change happening and dark secrets are now coming to light. As society collective views change over the years the collective consciousness also changes. For a dead artist that can be good news as following generations can appreciate Van Gough's Sun flowers as a masterpiece, where as in his time the people didn't see that beauty! Your creative writings, poems, videos etc. will touch the minds of future generations as well as today. You've planted the seeds and it's now about nurture and planting more seeds! keep going, never compare yourself to others, you are unique and no one has your experience and that is a precious commodity... x